so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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