i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
