The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
