I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize