I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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