two words: eviction party
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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