I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
