They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Randomize
