I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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