i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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