I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
i love accidental penises.
love makes seman taste better
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Randomize
