I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
