she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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