I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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