god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
