I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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