apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize
