Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Randomize
