When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
