Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
