How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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