Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Randomize
