highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Randomize
