Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
