Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Randomize
