i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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