I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Don't EVER smell your tampon
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
This can only be settled by a dance off.
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