God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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