SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
