is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
