he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
