we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
