$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
