Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
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