farters have to be the big spoon...
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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