I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
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