I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
