I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
