Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
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He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
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just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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