God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
as a side note pls kill me
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