ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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