i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
she pinky promised me she was 18
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
