i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
