I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize