from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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