I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Semen is not good for contacts.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
