You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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