She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
