I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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