I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
