So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Randomize
