the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
