I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
