Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
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