i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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