the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.