Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
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I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
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I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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