my text book just quoted the cookie monster
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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