my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
