please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Randomize
